Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, often resulting in significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
